Trying to figure out where the Boy Scouts fall in order, the Older One said this yesterday, “Mama, is it Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Eagle Scouts, Adult Scouts?”

Sure. It’s something like that, Bugs.

Feeling cooped up in the house on a bright, beautiful, warm, Florida day (which pretty much sums up EVERY day in South Florida), the boys and I decided to head to a park near our development. I try to do this several times a week, if for no other reason than I like to be consistent. I’m also trying to make Friends with Kids because it would be nice to have play dates once in a while, but also to have Adult Conversation. Have I mentioned I’m really shy and I have a really hard time making friends? Turns out, people don’t ever get to know you if you don’t open your mouth and talk once in a while. Yeah! I know! I didn’t know either! Where was I? Oh yes, The Park!

We took lots of pictures, which wasn’t any fun at all because “Wait! Stop! I know you’re having fun, but don’t move so I can take a picture!” is surely annoying. All that stopping and focusing and setting up a shot resulted in a lot of these types of pictures:

There was still much fun to be had! Lots of swinging!

Much sand was dug!

The sand was a whole new experience for the baby. He didn’t eat any of it luckily.

There was lots of sliding down slides and jumping from high places!

There was also some relaxing, which was nice.

There was lots of moving from one place to another.

We had a pretty good time. Didn’t we, Baby One?

I think he agrees.

He used to carry handfuls of white, oblong pills in his pocket. This scared me because when he sat down they would fall out, leaving the story of where he’d been and what he’d been doing scattered around like crazy, white, mood-altering sprinkles all over the carpet. At least I always knew where he’d been. Whenever we were out with my family, in a doctor’s office, in the living room with a visitor, or even at some random appointment, I would have to pinch him, kick him under the table, address him in a voice dripping with the unsaid “Dude, you better wake the eff up right now or I will tan your hide” to keep him from falling asleep in his soup in the middle of a sentence. He wasn’t allowed to drive. Ever. He fell asleep. At the wheel. Thank God it was in our development, on our street no less, but still. People saw him. They complained to the security guard. Frankly, I don’t blame them. It was horrifying to watch, let alone to be the one who was responsible all the time. Passing out while standing up with the baby in his arms was an occurrence to numerous to count. Thankfully, Baby One only fell on the floor once before I realized I couldn’t leave him alone with the Baby, like, ever. I’ve lived that way for the past two years with him. Constantly monitoring him, being on Red Alert for something, anything, to go wrong. It’s not surprising that the last few weeks without Him were much easier than I had thought they would be.

But now he’s home and he’s a different person altogether. He has kept his word. He has attended a meeting of recovery every day since his arrival. He hasn’t drifted off while telling me something. He hasn’t denied my reality– No, baby, what you’re seeing isn’t real. It’s not there. It’s like this. . . The reality has been no less than fantastic. He hasn’t let me down. I’m impressed, but I’ve always known he’s had it in him. The man I met and fell in love with was this man, not the high, dead one. He works hard. He keeps promises. He is consistent. He is the father to his children.

However, I’m not inside his head. I can’t read his thoughts. Sometimes the internal change we feel takes much longer to see on the outside. And while there is many new and wonderful things to see and feel, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It will fall, it has to. Is that its shadow I see, falling across the lawn? I’ve realized, over the course of the last few days, that what “they” say is true: the addict’s family gets sick right along with him. Damn those experts for knowing their shit. I guess I need to practice some of that compassionate detachment that “they” are always saying such good things about. Whenever I get a whiff of a behavior that might be something he would have done a few months ago, I feel a rage so overpowering that I need a tranq dart in my neck. Being in this position is just so strange to me. I’ve been on the flip side of this very same coin many a time, but I’ve never been so close to another who has fallen and gotten back up again. I guess I now know how my family has felt for all these years.

I look forward to what may come with my eyes and heart open. The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.

Feel free to verbally abuse me for the fact that I haven’t updated in so long you might have forgotten about me. But! I have an excuse! Always with the excuses. We have all fallen ill with fevers, head/body aches, snot (truck tons of snot), sore and scratchy throats, and just the general Yuckies. It’s a serious affliction. Look it up on Web MD or something. Also? The Baby One is cutting four teeth. Seeing as how the Older One cut his teeth fairly late and never once peeped in pain, I was quite unprepared for the Agony that is Cutting Four Teeth at Once. There is constant screaming, chewing on hands, fingers, and (oh my hell OUCH) boobs. There are not enough Tylenol or Hyland’s Teething Tablets in the world to ease this hairy, four-toothed beast that is Teething Hell. In other news, Baby One now nearly has as many teeth in his mouth as I do. I kid! I only had one removed last week (so that’s a total of three, if you’re keeping track, and they’re all molars). Plus, he won’t have anything on me once I get my Titanium Rods of Dental Implants, but I won’t get that surgery until he’s done nursing and that’s a while away. Where was I?

The Him arrived home on Tuesday night! I’ve never seen the Older One filled with such sheer joy and excitement. It was like Christmas morning all over again. He has lost about 40 pounds and just looks amazing (the Him, not the Older One). He’s clear-eyed, tan, glowing, and AWAKE. It’s like a whole, new person and I can’t wait to get to know him all over again. The whole story is another post for another day because, honestly, right now I’m so snotty and achy and sicky that I just want to lie down. The bed is calling my name and the Baby One is calling my boob. I promise I’ll be back shortly (like a few days? Is that okay?) Again, with the promises.

If I had, like, a second a half to do anything other than pee, I would post something of value. But I don’t! I just had to stop by, though, and say: How AWESOME do I look right now? This is so totally better than before. If you’re reading in a feed, you must come here. Now. This lovely lady made me all prettified and I feel so beautiful. Yay. It’s a happy day. Well, she actually did it a few days ago, but I’m still happy. Alright. Carry on.