Disclaimer: All three of my computers decided to malfunction today, so you’re getting a post from yesterday. One that I didn’t end up Publishing, as you’ll see why when you’ve read it. Sorry, in advance, for the suckage. It’s been One of THOSE Days for the last FEW days. All of that to say that I can’t upload my pictures onto my computers because THEY ARE ALL BROKEN, so Wardrobe Malfunction Tuesday will be brought to you tomorrow? Perhaps Thursday? Maybe Friday? I don’t know. Whenever my computer gets fixed.

The Mom Guilt Level is reaching into the Red Area today. It is bad. It is reallyreallyreally bad. I am about to relay the story of what happened today and in doing so will reveal myself as The World’s Worst Mother. The Older One has a Thanksgiving Play today, in which he had a Speaking Part and I missed it. I also totally wasn’t there for the Party afterward. I am a terrible mother and The Mom Guilt is horrible! Let me explain how this came to pass.

In October a letter came home telling us of the Older One’s Speaking Part in the Thanksgiving Play. It also told us what the line was, so that we could practice it. Every. Single. Day. On the way to school, while eating dinner, in the bath tub, the Older One has been practicing this Oh-So-Important-Line. Come to think of it, we practiced it as he got out of the car to go to school this morning.

Being the idiot that I am, I assumed the play and party was on the last day before break. That day would be TOMORROW, NOT TODAY. I also assumed that there would be a reminder note sent home beforehand, so that I could REMEMBER. I do have an iPhone and it does have calendar capabilities, but I never use it. This would be one of those times when it would be helpful to have it. I really need to reconsider my stance of not using calendars. My memory isn’t what it used to be. I had offered to bring the table cloths and napkins for his party, so this morning I headed out to retrieve these ever important party items. Before doing so, I had a surge of energy the likes of which I haven’t seen since I came down with this dreaded pneumonia.

I decided I would craft (oh that makes it sound like such a joke) some cute pilgrim hats and bonnets and turkeys to make as pencil toppers that the Older One could hand out at the party tomorrow morning. Before I left, I realized no note had come home about the timing of the play/party, so I decided to write the Room Mother and the teacher. I remember thinking, “Wouldn’t it suck if I had the date wrong and it was today? No, no that wouldn’t make sense.” Because then what are they going to do on the last day of school? Learn? Pfft.

I went out and bought everything that I was supposed to and I was totally feeling like a Super Mom. C’mon! Pencil topper Thanksgiving gifts! Aces! I rock. At about 2 PM I checked my email and learned the I was being far too generous in my assessment. This is what the email said:

Dear [Sucky Mother],
I am sorry I didn’t get your message sooner! Hopefully you got the answer before this morning’s program. There were a lot of people, so maybe I just didn’t see you. When it gets closer to Christmas, I will definitely keep you posted!!
Happy Thanksgiving, [Mean Teacher. Oops! I mean, Name Withheld.]

*Emphasis and name mine*
Ha. Ha. Excuse me? What? TODAY?!?!? Hopefully you got the answer?!?!? FROM WHO? Not you, that’s who! And, no, it wasn’t her responsibility. HOWEVER, I have taken this very issue up with the teacher before today and, no, it hasn’t changed. I never got the note! And exactly why is a FIVE YEAR OLD in charge of all the IMPORTANT NOTES to and from the teacher? You know what really pisses me off? That bitch lady made damn sure that I got all the notes she sent home every time the Older One breathed the wrong way in class.

I promise I’m not being over dramatic. She sent home a note every time he “spoke during instructional video” and “made flapping hands in line.” And I had to sign these notes and if I didn’t? She emailed me. Now, I’m not saying I don’t need to know when he misbehaves. Obviously, if he is having a disciplinary problem, I need to know. Like if he hurts another child or is bring defiant or if he says a cuss word. But he is in KINDERGARTEN. Surely he won’t listen during every video. Do I need to know about every single time because I’m sure there will be many? So the time when actual NOTES OF IMPORTANCE come home is the time the Older One has to put them in his folder and bring them home. I think that’s relying on the FIVE YEAR OLD to REMEMBER this important information a little too much. But, I digress. . .

I emailed the teacher:

Dear [Name Withheld],
As you probably know by now, I guessed we missed the Thanksgiving
performance. I’m not sure how this happened, but we never got
anything that told us the date/time. We got the Thursday Envelope,
but it had nothing in it. I had assumed it was tomorrow. I feel
heartsick over this. Am I missing any email letter or newsletter? I
just want to make sure it doesn’t happen again!

Also, what time is the party tomorrow? What time should I plan to be
there? I have the tablecloths and napkins and I definitely don’t want
to miss this one!

Thanks again!
[Idiot Mom]

At this point, I thought I’d only missed the play. I figured, at least I’d make it to the party and be able to bring gifts. Surely, that would redeem me, no? I know mistakes happen. I know I will do a truck ton of things wrong. Why can’t we all, as mothers or women, just try to have compassion and understanding for one another? Why do we have to tear each other down when we’re already at a low point. I felt so bad about missing his first, real play. I was hoping that the teacher would write me back and at least tell me he’d done great. But that would be asking to move mountains now wouldn’t it? This is what she wrote back:

Don’t bother bringing in the table cloths and napkins tomorrow. You missed the party too. Next time maybe you could check the kindergarten website.
Sincerely,
[Ms. Bitch. Whoopsie! Name Withheld]

I take exception to the tone. Also, KINDERGARTEN WEBSITE??? There is NOTHING of this website in any of the paperwork I’ve ever gotten. I know. I checked. I realize she probably deals with parents who make excuses all the time, but she’s KNOWS I’m an involved mother. I’ve volunteered at every function they’ve had all year. I bring in stuff for all of there parties all of the time. I’ve already MET WITH HER TWICE. I scheduled it to talk about a FIVE year old being responsible for the paperwork. Start small and make him take home is HOMEWORK every day. I’ve met with the Head of the Lower School and the Principal each twice. Clearly, I care. And that tone up there really irks the shizz out of me.

Whatever. The whole thing just reeks any way I look at it. I just wish I had known about the farking WEBSITE. Humph. Well, no cookies for you this Christmas, Ms. Compassion-Pfft-What’s-Compassion!?-I’m-a-Total-B

I promise promise promise I’ll be back soon with Wardrobe Malfunction Tuesday. This whole borrowing a computer thing? Really sucks.

I was avoiding posting this because it’s everywhere, but it’s so damn cute. Because I lack the time to post anything worthwhile today, here:
Live TV by Ustream

The Baby One has always had a difficult time with Separation from The Mommy. I suppose if he could, he would still be floating around, all anti-gravity, in utero. But he’s not! He made his entrance into this world with much fanfare! And left us with very little time to prepare! I know, I was just looking at the pictures and we’re lucky my dad showed up at all. He may have been late, but at least he caught Baby One just after he was all clean and fresh. The Him also thought to rip the camera from my dad to capture Baby One’s First Nursing Experience. Little did we know then, how very attached Baby One would become to the boob.

Baby One requires a boob in the mouth pretty much anytime he is falling asleep. The difficult part is that he wants the boob to stay in his mouth the whole time he is asleep. When my hip becomes numb from inertia, I must roll both of us over to the other side. If I need to get up to, say, visit the restroom during these precious few slumbering hours, I must take the Baby One with me lest I return to a red, screaming, snotty infant. If at any point during the night my boob becomes dislodged from his mouth and/or some part of my body is not touching his, he wakes up and is certain to stay up until the boob and the body are both in his mouth and touching him, respectively. Needless to say this does not make for a particularly restful sleep, but it does make for Some Sleep and that is better than None Sleep.

Sure I value my sleep, but I’m finding more and more, though, that I need some time to putz around for myself. Usually, this time is spent creating masterful works of art making stuff. I like to create things for this kids: blocks, play-mats, soft books, clothes, crazy monsters of their own creation. Although, at this point, I’d settle for a book and a bath.

The other thing that Baby One needs to fall asleep is steady, rhythmic patting on his tush. Obviously, not so hard that it would be spanking. (nuh-uh) But it needs to be firm enough that it creates a sort of bouncing motion. Pat-Pat-Pat. It can be ten minutes of patting. It might be 27 minutes. One never knows. I do know that sometimes I’ll put myself to sleep with all the nursing and patting and shushing and I’ll wake up minutes later to find that I’m still Pat-Pat-Patting. He loves it. The Pat-Pat-Patting is akin to Valium. Pat-Pat-Pat aaaand Lights Out.

I;m not complaining all that much. I realize this time in his life in short and I want to pack it in with as many cuddles and hugs as I can get. Sooner than I’d like to admit, he’ll be giving me the brush off and pretending I’m his Crazy Aunt Virginia. Soon enough he’ll learn how to fall asleep on his own and he won’t quite need me in the same way. I mean, he surely won’t be rolling over at ten, saying, “Hey, Mom, can you pat my butt, so I can fall asleep?” Right? Riiight?

My hand? Is incredibly numb from faling asleep while it was propping up my whole head. Ouch. Pins & Needles.

Because today my doctor diagnosed me with Pneumonia, I present this cop out meme:

What I Was Doing Ten Years Ago:
Exactly ten years ago last month, I had completed rehab #4. I was starting life over. Again. I was enrolled in college and I was kicking ass. Clearly, I would not keep up this awesomeness, but it’s nice to remember that I tried at one point in my life.

Five Years Ago:
I was married and I was a new mother. The Older One was 6 months old and I had NO CLUE what I was doing. Aces.

One Year Ago:
Oh. Yuck. I was pregnant. I had hyperemesis gravidarum and I threw up a minimum of 10 times a day. I was totally miserable and hungry. Oh, the hunger. I think at one point, I begged for death. It sucked. But then again, I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for the cute pie snuggled into my boob at the moment.

Yesterday:
I was suffering with a 103.5 degree fever. I was miserable and hot. I was also very anxious to see the Him. He was just arriving home after having been in surgery for nine freaking hours.

5 Snacks I Enjoy:

• M&M Ice Cream Cookie Sandwiches
• Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips
• Wheat Thins with Cream Cheese & Pepper Jelly
• Pita & Hummus
• Tortilla Chips & Guacamole

5 Songs I Know All The Words To:

• Johnny Cash “Folsom Prison Blues”
• Jane’s Addiction “Had a Dad”
• The Postal Service “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight”
• G.Love & Special Sauce “Cold Beverage”
• Ani Difranco “Untouchable Face”

5 Things I Would Do with $100 Million:

• Start some sort of savings and college fund for my children
• Pay off the mortgage
• Donate it
• Invest in real estate
• Shopping spree!

5 Bad Habits I Have:

• Nagging
• Biting my cuticles
• Counting (tiles, knobs. You know, teh crazy)
• Staying up late when I should be sleeping
• Procrastination

5 Locations I Would Like to Run Away to:

• Fiji
• Ko Bulon Lae, Thailand (island)
• Capri, Italy
• Brazil
• England

5 Things I Like Doing:

• Knitting
• Sewing
• Horseback riding (Showing, mostly. Winning, mainly.)
• Reading books
• Playing with my babies

5 Things I Would Never Wear:
Clearly, with Wardrobe Malfunction Tuesday there’s not much that I wouldn’t wear, but here goes…

• A Thong
• A Dirndl
• Stirrup Pants
• Suspenders
• A Poncho

5 TV Shows I Like:

• Lost
• Prison Break
• The First 48
• Dog: The Bounty Hunter
• AC 360 (Hey, I like to stay informed.)

5 Biggest Joys of the Moment:

• Birth of Older One
• Birth of Baby One
• 1 Year Sober; 5 Years Sober
• Saying “I Do.”
• Older One’s First Birthday (Baby One’s too, but we’re not there yet.)

5 Favorite Toys

• iPhone
• iPhone
• iPhone
• New Sewing Machine
• Felt